For full context, I am writing this first blog while bouncing and humming to my three month old to keep him smiling because the sound of my typing is just not his favorite. On top of that, typing one handed seems to be coming with quite the learning curve and constant typos. Very thankful for editing! So as you can see, I am just a new mama trying to learn the ropes and what is best for my little baby and I.
Like most women you hear about, getting pregnant was a fairytale moment for my husband and I. Despite being in the middle of a pandemic, we were over the moon excited and so very on edge trying to keep the secret until we had a good time to tell people together. For both of my sides of the family, I am the oldest child and grandchild. This was a HUGE moment for everyone! The first of a new generation! As for my husband’s sides, the ages are quite varying in each generation. So still exciting, but just the regular “yay its a baby!” exciting. We were very grateful that everyone was on board and supportive in every way possible. Looking back on my pregnancy, I feel like it was quite the blur, but I do remember being quite optimistic about our new future. Now that could be new mom euphoria or sleep deprivation catching up to me finally; your guess is as good as mine. I was caught up in a whirlwind of positive comments and guiltless promises. Working up until a few days before my baby was born, I felt invincible; I loved every single comment about how strong I was and bitterly accepted all jokes about being “ready to pop.” Our almost week-long hospital visit for the birth of our baby was equally traumatizing and, again, blurry.
Those first few weeks are full of adrenaline and pure human nature. Between the medications and lack of sleep, I thought they would be so much worse. Now don’t get me wrong, learning to breastfeed, finding the time to feed myself, and just generally how to survive with a newborn while you break down crying every day was hard. Absolutely worth it and definitely not the hardest part. I really cannot think of a better way to describe it other than we were intentionally made for this and my body just sort of ran the show while my mind was reeling and trying to understand that this was my life now. I am really a MOM! Wow. I still think about pinching myself every now and again just to make sure this is all real.
I have come to acknowledge the fact that even though I want everything to be, my delivery, newborn stage, breastfeeding journey, and just about every single part of being a mom so far, is FAR from perfect or how I had it all planned out beforehand. I really thought that I would be in control of it all. All of the motherly warnings I got about having too high of expectations were not taken lightly. I was usually offended and put down-thinking that they were all doubting my capability. That was not the case whatsoever. My only advice for soon-to-be and new mamas is to roll with whatever comes your way and make decisions that are best for you and your specific child when the time comes. It was very hard to not get upset with myself when I was not meeting my own expectations. Hell, I still do every day. You have to remind yourself that your plan and the plan your child needs are not always the same. Anything can change and nothing is set in stone. As long as you and your baby are taken care of to the best of your ability, nothing else matters.
“There are places in the heart you don’t even know exist until you love a child.”
Anne Lamott
I know that taking to be a mom comes in all shapes and sizes, but I feel like I was quite in the middle of the spectrum. It wasn’t the easiest thing for me to learn after the first few weeks, but boy do you learn quickly when you have a tiny baby waiting on you for everything they need. The best advice I received was from my aunt who told me to just trust my motherly instincts and understand that you know your baby better than anyone else. I soon came to realize what motherly instincts felt like and to do the best I could do without overworking myself or stressing myself out. Learning to be a mom is quite the roller coaster so far, but I would not have made it this far without all of the support I have been so lucky to receive. I know that not all of the promises given to me when I was pregnant will be fulfilled and I am learning to understand the good intentions behind them. It was a hard lesson to learn so early on and hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally realized it, but I needed it. On the flip side of the quote “You are not everyone’s cup of tea,” not everyone is going to be yours. In an attempt to finish off this first blog post on a positive note, I would like to thank everyone who reads this and all who have helped me get to where I am on my journey to becoming the best Mama I can be.
Not So Motherly Instincts 