When your goal as a parent/soon-to-be parent is to be better than you have seen growing up, the guilt and burnout cut you way deep down inside. All I have ever wanted for my son was to ensure he grew up with parents that made him a nice, happy, good-hearted human. I want him to grow up and start his life one day, but still want to stop by our house on the weekends to eat and catch up. I want him to grow up and want to invite his parents because he loves/likes us, not just because he feels obligated. I know looking down at my nine month old son that I am looking very far into the future, but it takes years, not months, for your child to know who you really are. And maybe that’s what I am afraid of. Maybe I don’t want him to know that sometimes his mom is depressed, anxious, irritable, and sarcastic at all of the wrong times. The only way to reach the goal of a son who chooses to be around me his whole life is to take care of the things that are burdening/hindering me. I have to grow toward being an example for what that nice, happy, good-hearted human looks like before I can ever expect my son to be. Breaking generational and personal trauma is a huge job that, yes, I probably should have started working on before having a child. But, there’s just something about having a child that makes you see your life and yourself clearer than ever before. Maybe that is just because I am a “young mom” or a “new mom,” but I am sitting here looking in a mirror thinking about how much growing up I still have to do.
As a 22 year old person, I feel like I have just begun to scratch the surface of the world and have endless possibilities and experiences ahead of me. As a 22 year old mother, I feel like I am clueless and outcasted. I have always been a fairly solitary person with a few people I like to be around regularly and a few times a month that I am able to socialize. As a mother, I thought it would be so easy to go out and live life with my son everyday. Turns out the world is a lot louder and judgemental than I remember before pregnancy. People who don’t even know you or your circumstances have an opinion and something they think you should know. Not to mention the fact that the circle of motherhood is such a small one. I talk about youtubers and tiktokers like they’re close friends because they’re as close as I seem to have these days. All of the wonderful women I watch talk about their children and their lives on social media are the women I turn to when I am feeling lost. I find my courage in their openness and willingness to show themselves to the world with both good and bad watching and commenting.
Parenting is the most beautiful, stressful, lonely, and uncharted experience I have ever had and I wish people would be more open and honest about the ugly bits. Being a mother is the loneliest choice I have ever made. Although this isn’t the only time in my life that I am able to be surrounded by people and feel alone, I truly am not surrounded anymore. Once the new baby wore off, I was left with mine and my husband’s parents. I love them all as family, but, well, everyone knows how family relationships can go sometimes. It’s always a “hey do you want to go…” and never a “hey can I stop by…”
I have always hated being the center of attention. My anxiety has always alarmed my brain by equating attention to evil. And what do babies always do? SPOTLIGHT! While it is nice to know that the attention is mostly on my son and not me, I can’t help but feel like I am being scored on some imaginary scale of good and bad parenting. Obviously, as the rest of this blog has gone, this is completely and totally something I need to work through on my own. Although that does not make people any easier to deal with, in person or otherwise.
Here’s another thing I don’t understand about motherhood: why do people push so hard for “everything is going to change, so you better enjoy your life while you can?” I thought the whole point was to be able to continue living, but with a sidekick… I thought that I would still be around the same people and doing the same things, but bringing a baby with me instead of going alone or with just my husband. I didn’t realize how having a baby would make people so standoff-ish and uncomfortable around us. Yes, he needs his diaper changed. Yes, he is fussy because he needs to eat. Yes, he needs a nap. Yes, he wants me to hold him. Yes, people are staring because he’s being a baby and loud like he should be. Maybe it’s just where I live in the US, but it is an ugly color on society. In case you’re reading this and not a parent, WE WANT TO BE INVITED, TOO. And not just offered because of pity, we want to be enjoyed and for our children to be enjoyed. Parents just want to feel a tiny bit of non-judgmental normalcy. All I could ever ask for is someone to invite me to something or come over to my house and talk about everything from my child to the weather to celebrity gossip to holiday shopping, etc.. Other parents don’t have to be the only people who understand.
Not So Motherly Instincts 